Today, I reached the lowest point of my life as a mother... (as a stay-at-home mom) when I received Matthew's exam results.:-( I assume he will get a failing grade in Math due to failed quizzes and exam). This is going to be the first time to happen since he started schooling.

Before I decided to stop working for good, I got so many high expectations for my children especially on how they do in school. They are both intelligent kids and sometimes included (not consistent) in the achiever's list on the past. With these I thought, when I'm home already they would greatly improve. But to my surprise, the biggest contrast happened to my eldest. Feels like focus is already out of sight. Well, it used to be a problem for him even before but it's getting worse now. He always got a failing grade in quizzes and seatwork most of the time, not because he doesn't know the answer (I knew because I'm used to giving him exercises on his everyday lessons and he was able to answer without my help!) but he's unable to finish answering all the questions. He would normally talk and talk and talk until his classmates were about to finish. Then that's the only time that he would start aswering. Isn't it frustrating? I guess, I expected too much that's why I do feel like this.

 

After reading the exam paper, there was an hour of moment wherein I'm starting to ask myself, "Am I a bad mother?", "Is it my fault?", and "Where did I lack?" ..negative feelings that I know if not managed properly could make my life miserable the whole life. After this I cried for an hour just to release my sentiments and now, as I follow the Stop, Look and Listen (as mentioned in my previous post) in dealing with anger and problems in life. I'm still struggling to accept that things like this happens for a reason and that i should focus more on "Hows" rather than "Whys". I'm positive.. I can make it! (so help me God!)


"When there's intense pain in your life, you can respond in two ways. You can have a breakdown or you can have a breakthrough."  I chose breakthrough... and I trust God that whatever comes to me today is something that I need to make me grow...